Official Community Petition — Est. January 2025
Join 2,487,316 patriots who agree: the Town of Palm Beach, Florida deserves a name that reflects its most famous, most tremendous resident.
The case is overwhelming, frankly. Many people are saying it.
Mar-a-Lago alone generates more brand recognition than every palm tree on the island combined. A study we conducted on a napkin at dinner confirms this would boost property values by "a lot, probably."
Since 2017, Palm Beach tourism has shifted from "people who like beaches" to "people who want to see where history happens." Renaming would simply align the brand with the product. It's called marketing, folks.
Ask anyone in the world to name something in Palm Beach. They'll say "Trump." Ask them to name a palm tree species. Exactly. The name practically chose itself.
Our proprietary economic model (a calculator app) projects that the name "Trump Beach" would attract $4.7 billion in new investment. The margin of error is $4.7 billion, but the upside is tremendous.
Let's be honest — palm trees don't pay taxes, they don't create jobs, and they've never once run a successful campaign for anything. It's time to honor someone who has actually done something with the zip code.
Washington has D.C. Lincoln has Nebraska. Houston has Houston. The only thing Palm Beach has is… palms. This is, and we're quoting real historians here, "a waste of perfectly good municipal signage."
Real quotes from real people who definitely exist and were not made up at 2 AM.
"I've lived in Palm Beach for 40 years and I've never once been helped by a palm tree. Trump, on the other hand, waved at me from a golf cart in 2019. That's leadership."
"My GPS already says I'm going to 'Trump's place' whenever I drive to Palm Beach. Might as well make it official. Also, my GPS might be broken."
"I conducted a thorough cost-benefit analysis and found that new 'Trump Beach' signage would cost $2.3 million. But can you really put a price on greatness? Yes. It's $2.3 million. And it's worth it."
A carefully considered timeline that we're very committed to, probably.
Create the most beautiful petition website anyone has ever seen. Many web designers are saying it's the best. ✓ Complete.
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March to Town Hall with our printout (double-sided to save paper — we're fiscally responsible). The Council meets the second Tuesday of every month, but we'll show up on a Wednesday to demonstrate our independence.
A beautiful ceremony featuring fireworks, a 40-piece brass band, and a bald eagle that has been "strongly encouraged" to participate. Estimated date: soon.
"Long overdue."
"This would be very good for our industry."
"We made up— er, we FOUNDED this institute specifically to endorse this petition."
"Yeah, sure, why not."
Add your name to history. Your signature will be stored securely in our database (a Google Sheets document named "signatures_final_FINAL_v3").
The tough questions, answered by people who are not lawyers.
In the same way that writing "I wish for a pony" on a birthday card is legally binding, yes. Which is to say: no. But it's about sending a message, and that message is printed in a very official-looking font.
Our legal team (Dave, who watches a lot of courtroom dramas) says we need "a lot." We've set our goal at 5 million, which is roughly 500 times the population of Palm Beach. We believe in over-delivering.
The palm trees will remain. They will simply need to accept that they are no longer the main attraction. We are exploring options for small commemorative plaques on each tree reading "This tree exists in Trump Beach."
We have sent seventeen letters to Mar-a-Lago. We have received zero responses, but also zero cease-and-desist orders, which we're choosing to interpret as enthusiastic approval.
Our research shows that 1.4% of respondents disagreed with the renaming. Upon further analysis, we discovered they had misread the question. Adjusted approval: 100%.
According to our economic model, property taxes will remain the same, but your home will feel 47% more patriotic. This is not a measurable statistic, but we're confident in it.